Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
