I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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