You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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