So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
