How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Randomize
