I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
