i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
