FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
