Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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