My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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