I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Boobs speak an international language.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
