I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We were destined to go to rehab together
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
