I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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