so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
