i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
