There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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