I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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