she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
