You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
