I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
