Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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