just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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