I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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