So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
