it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
