I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
