Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
