There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
