My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I can't put those talents on a resume
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm too high and old for this...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
