I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
