i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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