There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
