he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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