I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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