I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
