Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
