what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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