I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
