FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
