good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
