Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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