i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
