so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
