aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
