people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
