Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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