Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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