Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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