Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
