my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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