my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
