i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
