I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
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