We named our party play list daddy issues
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Randomize
